The Finger Points Outwards - No.18

The 50 biggest names in sex from the past 55 years.

The greatest ever complaint letter.

Letterman's farewell to George Bush

Big Day Out 2009

If you’re looking for a comprehensive review of the Big Day Out for 2009, this isn’t one. For one thing, it’s impossible for one person to see even a sizable proportion of the acts on offer. For another, even for the acts you do see, your average punter doesn’t tend to know more than half the songs. Any review is therefore going to have gaps all over the place, nevertheless, this is how the day went…

The first thing that was notable about this year’s BDO at the Flemington Racecourse was that there was plenty of grass. The organizers had apparently spent about $1.6 million on making sure that the areas around the stages didn’t resemble the dustbowl conditions of last year’s event (not that I was there). This meant that we could spend a good deal of the day doing what you should be doing at any decent outdoor festival, i.e. lazing about.

The second thing that was notable was the sheer volume of red, white and blue that could be seen about. Personally, I’ve never felt the need to display my patriotism – even on Australia Day – indeed I’ve always felt it to be peculiarly un-Australian to be going about brandishing the flag. But apparently I’m part of the last generation to do so; no doubt we’re only a few years from some unsuspecting overseas artist stage diving into a giant replica of the Southern Cross, only to be swallowed up and never heard from again.

Anyway, we arrived around one and spent essentially the entire afternoon hanging around the Green Stage. First up were the Ting Tings, bringing a fair contingent of girly-boppers along with them. Their pop-rock sound is probably better suited to a smaller venue but they did an admirable job nonetheless, putting new spins on radio-friendly hits such as ‘Great DJ’. Their best effort, however, was set list closer ‘That’s Not My Name’ – a song I once considered laboured, but which, in the second half of the tune, turned into something of a freakout.

Somewhere in the middle of the Ting Tings’ set, a guy in a colourful wig jumped on top of the tent that was housing the sound equipment. Once there, he became the target for a bombardment of bottles, including one bottle of sunscreen, which for some reason he believed to be a good idea to open up and drink. Decent effort by the chap, even if his day did end at about 3 of the clock.

New Yorkers TV On The Radio sauntered onto stage next, and proceeded to prove that black guys can even out-indie us white folk. Their set list was somewhat confounding – who opens up with two songs that are not on your latest album? – but their energetic performance more than made up for it. Indeed, their sound was somewhat more aggressive than on their records; even a mellow song like ‘Shout Me Out’ was transformed into a veritable wall of sound. Best of all though was ‘Staring At The Sun’, which no longer sounded like sunspots, but more like a star gone supernova.

We were sitting over in the drinking area when My Morning Jacket appeared, and their laid-back brand of rock fitted perfectly with swigging down a Tooheys Extra Dry. ‘I’m Amazed’ confirmed that it was a song built for a field full of people, while the downright bizarre ‘Highly Suspicious’ actually made some sort of sense when accompanied by the sight of dudes bashing away on guitars. MMJ finished off with the eight-minute ‘Touch Me I’m Going To Scream’, which though excellent, gave a hint of the sound problems that were to plague the next act. That act turned out to be Melbourne’s own Cut Copy, who sounded like they were being transmitted through a faulty radio. A real disappointment given that they produced my favourite album from last year, but hopefully I’ll get to see them in a more sympathetic venue sometime soon.

It was then over to the main stage for UK superstars the Arctic Monkeys. I’ve never been able to put my finger on why I only like, as opposed to love, the Arctic Monkeys, but now I think I’ve hit upon the reason: Alex Turner’s voice. Well, that and the songs have no melody. Nevertheless, if you’re a Monkeys fan you would have been psyched by their performance, and I still tapped my foot along to their best songs like ‘Brianstorm’ and ‘I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor’. And I did appreciate the synchronicity of them playing ‘When The Sun Goes Down’ as the sun was setting. 

With it now dark it was time for the BDO’s headline act, Neil Young, to make his way onstage. Unless you own all of his 30 or so albums there’s going to be a lot that’s unfamiliar to you, but he’s still an outstanding performer and you still find yourself enthralled by his biggest hits no matter how many times you’ve heard them. Apparently he finished off with a cover of The Beatles’ ‘A Day In The Life’, but I can’t tell you anything about that since we were already gone, driven away by the chill that had descended. An incomplete end to an incomplete day, but I guess if you want completeness you’re better off having a Big Day In instead.

Tennis Australia Unveils Plan to Turn its Women Tennis Players Into Russians

Faced with mediocre results and budget cuts, Tennis Australia has unveiled its radical new plan to return to world supremacy by turning its top female players into Russians.

The scheme went into action during the week when the newly-rechristined Samantha Stosurova was seen warming up on the practice courts and sipping from a hip flask of vodka. There have also been reports of Casey Dellacquaova sporting shoes made by up-and-coming Russian manufacturers as she wanders Melbourne's streets.

One player that may be exempt from the makeover is Jelena Dokic, who has made it through to the quarter-finals of the women's draw. However, a loss tonight may result in her being housed in a babushka doll for the remainder of the week.

Tennis Australia hopes to have at least five blond-haired blue-eyed women in the top 20 by the end of next year. Rumours are also afoot that, if the plan is successful, the tennis authority may have similar plans to turn its professional male players into Frenchmen.

Rod Laver Arena Devastated By Djokovic ‘Whoopee Cushion’ Prank

Half of Rod Laver Arena was today destroyed by a massive explosion, which was later revealed to have emanated from a giant ‘whoopee cushion’ left in the stadium by world no.3 Novak Djokovic.

Authorities were initially confused by the source of the blast, but the cause soon became apparent when Djokovic broke into guffaws at his press conference.

“No, I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about…,” he began, before he could contain his snickering no longer, “ha ha ha I’m sorry… hee hee… I got you a good one, didn’t I? Did you see it? Kaboom!!!”

A reporter asked if he was concerned at all about the human casualties of his prank. Djokovic shrugged, ‘Well, I think that a lot of those people were barracking for that little French kid during last year’s final so I don’t feel too bad about it.’

The rest of the conference proceeded as normal until another huge explosion was heard outside the press room. All eyes turned to Djokovic, who was again engulfed in hysterics, “Ha ha ha I’m sorry,” he said, waving his hands in apology, “I think my little brother has just taken out Hisense.”

Ivanovic: Smashing Live Kittens the Key to Success

In a candid press conference, Serbian uber-babe Ana Ivanovic has revealed that she sometimes uses live kittens as tennis balls in her practice sessions.

‘Of course, I prefer using real tennis balls, but you can’t always find them and they’re quite expensive,’ said the world No.5, ‘In cases like those, you need another small bit of fluff to smash about.’

Ivanovic was sketchy about how long ago she adopted the unorthodox routine, but sources say that she would often whack small turtles around the disused swimming pool she used to train in as a junior.

Flashing her gorgeous smile, Ivanovic was all too happy to expand upon the aerodynamics of various felines. ‘I find the tabby cats are good for groundstrokes, but for developing sheer power nothing really beats an overhead smash with a siamese.’

Fellow Serb and current No.1 Jelena Jankovic was unsurprised when she was told of her rival’s technique, ‘How else do you win the French Open if you’re not willing to spill some kitten brains along the way? She had all of you fooled. Nobody can be that nice.’

Roddick Stunned by First Round Exit in Wii Tennis Open

In a shock reversal of their Australian Open result, US tennis star Andy Roddick was bundled out of this year’s Australian Wii Tennis Open by Sweden’s Bjorn Rehnquist in a tough-fought five-gamer.

Rehnquist’s Mii character, Rehny, teamed up with a computer-chosen player to topple A-Rod and A-Rod: 0-Game, Game-30, 40-Game, Game-15, Game-40.

‘I’d been practising with a twin A-Rod attack throughout the break, but it just didn’t work for me today,’ said an understandably dismayed Roddick, ‘I’d like to blame the Wii sensor or the fact that there was a lamp standing waaaay too close to my remote, but the truth is, I didn’t bring my A-button game and I paid the price.’

Rehnquist gave a sly chuckle when quizzed about his victory. ‘I saw that the A-Rod at the net had a tendency to jump up and swing at fresh air, which didn’t give the A-Rod on the baseline enough time to get into position,’ he explained, ‘All Rehny needed to do was not try anything fancy and let the A-Rods beat themselves.’

Roddick was not consoled by his thrashing of Rehnquist in the first round of the Australian Open. ‘In the non-virtual Open, I have to run up against Federer or Nadal at some point,’ he sighed, ‘I feel like that this was my best chance to win a title. At least I always have Pong to return to.’

Tennis Stars Ask For Next Australian Open To Be Pushed Back to 2013

Recent reports that tennis' top players wanted the start date of the Australian Open pushed back a month have been proved false, when it was revealed that many of them were actually favouring changing the start date to 2013 to help them recover from their heavy workload.

'It's a long flight to Australia', said reigning men's champion Novak Djokovic, 'Delaying the start date for four years would give players a better chance of making the journey over'.

Three-time women's champion Serena Williams agreed. 'My schedule is pretty full up for the next three Januarys,' she explained, 'I expect the clothes sales will continue on until at least 2010, in 2011 I plan on take some minor roles in Broadway musicals, and then in 2012 Venus and I thought we might take our Dad back to visit his family on Mars'.

Russian player Marat Safin favoured that the Open be played every second year, to coincide with how often he brings his game to Melbourne Park.

Even players that would be expected to favour an earlier start date were surprisingly reluctant. Roger Federer, for whom winning the Australian Open would help in his quest to pass Pete Sampras' record for the most Grand Slam wins, said that, after gifting Nadal a Wimbledon title last year, he now expects to win there 'until at least the year 2018'. Meanwhile, local hero Lleyton Hewitt said that, given his current ranking, he thought the summer months may be better used to play kick-to-kick with the football.

'Injured' women's star Maria Sharapova, last seen in an Hawaiian beach resort, was not available for comment.

Tour organisers are considering the alternative of 40 matches of strip tennis between glamour couple Fernando Verdasco and Ana Ivanovic. Ivanovic, a great fan of tennis in Australia, is reported to be supportive of the idea, but only if the telecast is exclusive to her website.

The Troublesome Beauty of Bon Iver

As mentioned previously on this blog, Bon Iver was Rough Trade’s #1 album of 2008. The other sticker on my CD cover shows that Uncut and Mojo both gave it five stars and proclaimed it ‘Album of the month’, while the quote from the Guardian makes the quasi-religious claim that ‘every moment not spent listening to the Bon Iver record has seemed wasted’. In short, Bon Iver has received the kind of plaudits that music critics only hand out to new artists about, oh, every couple of months or so.

Bon Iver’s first album ('For Emma, Forever Ago') is essentially the work of one man, Justin Vernon, who recorded it in a hunting cabin in Wisconsin over the winter of 2006-07. There is no denying that his voice is beautiful, the kind of voice that you would happily give your right arm and Xbox 360 for. Iron and Wine’s Samuel Beam is, I think, the most apt comparison (based on, like, a review I read and the one song I’ve downloaded that is by him), but Vernon’s vocals are even richer and more varied. They drift and resound in a high-pitched whispered croon, lifting up at various moments (most notably on ‘The Wolves’) to create an air of spine-tingling wonder. For much of the record, Bon Iver seems less like the work of a man than of a community (or at the least, a band of very talented vocalists).

But therein lies the problem – that voice is so beautiful, so overwhelming, that it becomes hard to remember what is actually said. When trying to write about this album, the only lyrics that I could clearly recall were ‘I am my mother’s only one’ (‘Flume’), ‘my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my’ (‘Skinny Love’), ‘what might have been lost’ (‘The Wolves’) and ‘would you really rush out’ (Blindsided’). And I still had to look up the liner notes to double-check those. No doubt some will say that the songs reward effort, that instant satisfaction is the domain of mindless pop singles, that you need time to discover the meaning of albums like these, and so on. But I’m sure that the young uni student who watches the regular guitarist on Thursday nights at the local bar would make those claims as well. Devotion can make for some rewarding experiences - some of the best you will ever have - but you do need the inclination for it.

All of which is not to say that you shouldn’t buy the record; after all, it does sound beautiful, and I think it would be the near-perfect soundtrack for lying in the park, or contemplating a lake. It’s just that it’s a particular type of record - it presents rather than moves, creating and inhabiting its own little space. Like a cool breeze in the forest, it’s pleasurable for the forty or so minutes it takes to listen to it, but then it moves on, leaving you calmer and more contented than you were before, but also, in a way… untouched.