In a candid press conference, Serbian uber-babe Ana Ivanovic has revealed that she sometimes uses live kittens as tennis balls in her practice sessions.
‘Of course, I prefer using real tennis balls, but you can’t always find them and they’re quite expensive,’ said the world No.5, ‘In cases like those, you need another small bit of fluff to smash about.’
Ivanovic was sketchy about how long ago she adopted the unorthodox routine, but sources say that she would often whack small turtles around the disused swimming pool she used to train in as a junior.
Flashing her gorgeous smile, Ivanovic was all too happy to expand upon the aerodynamics of various felines. ‘I find the tabby cats are good for groundstrokes, but for developing sheer power nothing really beats an overhead smash with a siamese.’
Fellow Serb and current No.1 Jelena Jankovic was unsurprised when she was told of her rival’s technique, ‘How else do you win the French Open if you’re not willing to spill some kitten brains along the way? She had all of you fooled. Nobody can be that nice.’
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Roddick Stunned by First Round Exit in Wii Tennis Open
In a shock reversal of their Australian Open result, US tennis star Andy Roddick was bundled out of this year’s Australian Wii Tennis Open by Sweden’s Bjorn Rehnquist in a tough-fought five-gamer.
Rehnquist’s Mii character, Rehny, teamed up with a computer-chosen player to topple A-Rod and A-Rod: 0-Game, Game-30, 40-Game, Game-15, Game-40.
‘I’d been practising with a twin A-Rod attack throughout the break, but it just didn’t work for me today,’ said an understandably dismayed Roddick, ‘I’d like to blame the Wii sensor or the fact that there was a lamp standing waaaay too close to my remote, but the truth is, I didn’t bring my A-button game and I paid the price.’
Rehnquist gave a sly chuckle when quizzed about his victory. ‘I saw that the A-Rod at the net had a tendency to jump up and swing at fresh air, which didn’t give the A-Rod on the baseline enough time to get into position,’ he explained, ‘All Rehny needed to do was not try anything fancy and let the A-Rods beat themselves.’
Roddick was not consoled by his thrashing of Rehnquist in the first round of the Australian Open. ‘In the non-virtual Open, I have to run up against Federer or Nadal at some point,’ he sighed, ‘I feel like that this was my best chance to win a title. At least I always have Pong to return to.’
Rehnquist’s Mii character, Rehny, teamed up with a computer-chosen player to topple A-Rod and A-Rod: 0-Game, Game-30, 40-Game, Game-15, Game-40.
‘I’d been practising with a twin A-Rod attack throughout the break, but it just didn’t work for me today,’ said an understandably dismayed Roddick, ‘I’d like to blame the Wii sensor or the fact that there was a lamp standing waaaay too close to my remote, but the truth is, I didn’t bring my A-button game and I paid the price.’
Rehnquist gave a sly chuckle when quizzed about his victory. ‘I saw that the A-Rod at the net had a tendency to jump up and swing at fresh air, which didn’t give the A-Rod on the baseline enough time to get into position,’ he explained, ‘All Rehny needed to do was not try anything fancy and let the A-Rods beat themselves.’
Roddick was not consoled by his thrashing of Rehnquist in the first round of the Australian Open. ‘In the non-virtual Open, I have to run up against Federer or Nadal at some point,’ he sighed, ‘I feel like that this was my best chance to win a title. At least I always have Pong to return to.’
Monday, January 19, 2009
Tennis Stars Ask For Next Australian Open To Be Pushed Back to 2013
Recent reports that tennis' top players wanted the start date of the Australian Open pushed back a month have been proved false, when it was revealed that many of them were actually favouring changing the start date to 2013 to help them recover from their heavy workload.
'It's a long flight to Australia', said reigning men's champion Novak Djokovic, 'Delaying the start date for four years would give players a better chance of making the journey over'.
Three-time women's champion Serena Williams agreed. 'My schedule is pretty full up for the next three Januarys,' she explained, 'I expect the clothes sales will continue on until at least 2010, in 2011 I plan on take some minor roles in Broadway musicals, and then in 2012 Venus and I thought we might take our Dad back to visit his family on Mars'.
Russian player Marat Safin favoured that the Open be played every second year, to coincide with how often he brings his game to Melbourne Park.
Even players that would be expected to favour an earlier start date were surprisingly reluctant. Roger Federer, for whom winning the Australian Open would help in his quest to pass Pete Sampras' record for the most Grand Slam wins, said that, after gifting Nadal a Wimbledon title last year, he now expects to win there 'until at least the year 2018'. Meanwhile, local hero Lleyton Hewitt said that, given his current ranking, he thought the summer months may be better used to play kick-to-kick with the football.
'Injured' women's star Maria Sharapova, last seen in an Hawaiian beach resort, was not available for comment.
Tour organisers are considering the alternative of 40 matches of strip tennis between glamour couple Fernando Verdasco and Ana Ivanovic. Ivanovic, a great fan of tennis in Australia, is reported to be supportive of the idea, but only if the telecast is exclusive to her website.
'It's a long flight to Australia', said reigning men's champion Novak Djokovic, 'Delaying the start date for four years would give players a better chance of making the journey over'.
Three-time women's champion Serena Williams agreed. 'My schedule is pretty full up for the next three Januarys,' she explained, 'I expect the clothes sales will continue on until at least 2010, in 2011 I plan on take some minor roles in Broadway musicals, and then in 2012 Venus and I thought we might take our Dad back to visit his family on Mars'.
Russian player Marat Safin favoured that the Open be played every second year, to coincide with how often he brings his game to Melbourne Park.
Even players that would be expected to favour an earlier start date were surprisingly reluctant. Roger Federer, for whom winning the Australian Open would help in his quest to pass Pete Sampras' record for the most Grand Slam wins, said that, after gifting Nadal a Wimbledon title last year, he now expects to win there 'until at least the year 2018'. Meanwhile, local hero Lleyton Hewitt said that, given his current ranking, he thought the summer months may be better used to play kick-to-kick with the football.
'Injured' women's star Maria Sharapova, last seen in an Hawaiian beach resort, was not available for comment.
Tour organisers are considering the alternative of 40 matches of strip tennis between glamour couple Fernando Verdasco and Ana Ivanovic. Ivanovic, a great fan of tennis in Australia, is reported to be supportive of the idea, but only if the telecast is exclusive to her website.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Troublesome Beauty of Bon Iver
As mentioned previously on this blog, Bon Iver was Rough Trade’s #1 album of 2008. The other sticker on my CD cover shows that Uncut and Mojo both gave it five stars and proclaimed it ‘Album of the month’, while the quote from the Guardian makes the quasi-religious claim that ‘every moment not spent listening to the Bon Iver record has seemed wasted’. In short, Bon Iver has received the kind of plaudits that music critics only hand out to new artists about, oh, every couple of months or so.
Bon Iver’s first album ('For Emma, Forever Ago') is essentially the work of one man, Justin Vernon, who recorded it in a hunting cabin in Wisconsin over the winter of 2006-07. There is no denying that his voice is beautiful, the kind of voice that you would happily give your right arm and Xbox 360 for. Iron and Wine’s Samuel Beam is, I think, the most apt comparison (based on, like, a review I read and the one song I’ve downloaded that is by him), but Vernon’s vocals are even richer and more varied. They drift and resound in a high-pitched whispered croon, lifting up at various moments (most notably on ‘The Wolves’) to create an air of spine-tingling wonder. For much of the record, Bon Iver seems less like the work of a man than of a community (or at the least, a band of very talented vocalists).
But therein lies the problem – that voice is so beautiful, so overwhelming, that it becomes hard to remember what is actually said. When trying to write about this album, the only lyrics that I could clearly recall were ‘I am my mother’s only one’ (‘Flume’), ‘my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my’ (‘Skinny Love’), ‘what might have been lost’ (‘The Wolves’) and ‘would you really rush out’ (Blindsided’). And I still had to look up the liner notes to double-check those. No doubt some will say that the songs reward effort, that instant satisfaction is the domain of mindless pop singles, that you need time to discover the meaning of albums like these, and so on. But I’m sure that the young uni student who watches the regular guitarist on Thursday nights at the local bar would make those claims as well. Devotion can make for some rewarding experiences - some of the best you will ever have - but you do need the inclination for it.
All of which is not to say that you shouldn’t buy the record; after all, it does sound beautiful, and I think it would be the near-perfect soundtrack for lying in the park, or contemplating a lake. It’s just that it’s a particular type of record - it presents rather than moves, creating and inhabiting its own little space. Like a cool breeze in the forest, it’s pleasurable for the forty or so minutes it takes to listen to it, but then it moves on, leaving you calmer and more contented than you were before, but also, in a way… untouched.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Economics of Change
One of our frustrations during our trip to Egypt was that very few people seemed to have the correct change. This was not just the case in tiny market stalls, but also in restaurants, hotels, and believe it or not, major tourist sites. The reason for this was something that has puzzled me ever since, so much so that, late last Friday night, I ended up asking a woman behind the bar if she had the answer (she didn't, but was polite enough to indulge my drunken ramblings until she spotted another customer). As far as I can work out, there are three explanations:
1) The locals were using a professed lack of change as an excuse to try and sell us something else. I can see that being the case for stalls and even restaurants, but I don't know that hotels and tourist sites would have much to gain from this strategy. And really, market sellers will try and get you to buy something else whether they have change or not.
2) The businesses are too small to have the correct change in a lot of situations. If you think about it, how often, in a transaction between two individuals (for example, between you and your friend) do the buyer and seller have the correct change? Maybe it's better to think of the Egyptian economy as predominantly consisting of a collection of individuals. Yet the businesses in China were often tiny as well, and we had few problems getting change there. Is there some critical mass of medium-sized businesses that you need to keep the change flowing?
3) Perhaps there exists some optimal relationship between the denominations of the notes and prices in the economy, and the Central Bank of Egypt has not found it. But this seems unlikely - sure the 200 pound note is a pest to break, but there seems to be plenty of 5 pound notes and 1 pound notes floating around, just rarely when you need them. (Admittedly, the half-pound and quarter-pound notes were harder to find.)
Verdict? I think number 2 is the most likely explanation, although I think number 1 may have a little to do with it.
1) The locals were using a professed lack of change as an excuse to try and sell us something else. I can see that being the case for stalls and even restaurants, but I don't know that hotels and tourist sites would have much to gain from this strategy. And really, market sellers will try and get you to buy something else whether they have change or not.
2) The businesses are too small to have the correct change in a lot of situations. If you think about it, how often, in a transaction between two individuals (for example, between you and your friend) do the buyer and seller have the correct change? Maybe it's better to think of the Egyptian economy as predominantly consisting of a collection of individuals. Yet the businesses in China were often tiny as well, and we had few problems getting change there. Is there some critical mass of medium-sized businesses that you need to keep the change flowing?
3) Perhaps there exists some optimal relationship between the denominations of the notes and prices in the economy, and the Central Bank of Egypt has not found it. But this seems unlikely - sure the 200 pound note is a pest to break, but there seems to be plenty of 5 pound notes and 1 pound notes floating around, just rarely when you need them. (Admittedly, the half-pound and quarter-pound notes were harder to find.)
Verdict? I think number 2 is the most likely explanation, although I think number 1 may have a little to do with it.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
My Top Fifty Highlights From Our Trip Through Europe and Egypt - Part Five
10. Chocolate éclairs from the patisseries in Paris. Words can not describe the awwwummmmahhhh!!!!
9. In a weight-for-weight matchup, the National Gallery in Britain would probably be outpunched by the Louvre, but in some ways it had the advantage – it has a good sample of works from each period and it gives the paintings it does have more space. (Plus, it’s free.) Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael all make an appearance, as do Titian, Rembrandt, Vermeer, Constable, Turner, Renoir, and Van Gogh.
8. Probably the most remarkable thing about the Colosseum in Rome is that it is still standing, given the dilapidation of the Forum nearby. More impressive stadiums have been built since, but few (if any) will still be standing in two thousand years time. A clever feature of the restored stadium is the half-covered arena, which allows you to see both the surface on which the battles were staged, and the labyrinth of cells and passageways below.
7. Crystal Palace v Bristol City at Selhurst. There were six goals scored, including two absolute corkers in the first half, and we were two rows back from the fence. (Meanwhile Chelsea and Newcastle played out a scoreless draw.) Given the age of ground rationalization in the Australian leagues, this was a reminder of what suburban football is like.
6. The Pyramids of Giza would be a strange sight anywhere, let alone on the outskirts of a city with forty million people. Over the centuries the outer layers have been worn away, leaving row upon row of massive blocks as a testament to the thousands of man-hours that went into their construction. The main downside of the site is that there are camel riders and the like roaming around, continually disturbing your contemplation of these peculiar objects.
5. On our first night of Venice, we decided to join in the ‘shadowrounds’ – a Venetian tradition in which you hop around from bar to bar and sip a ‘shadow’ of wine at each of the places you visit (think a classier pub crawl). The shadows of wines soon turned into glasses, which soon turned into bottles and carafes, and then it all becomes a little hazy… Still, this was definitely a cultural tradition I could get behind. It would be number one on the list, but I don’t want to reveal how much of a drunk I am.
4. The Tower of London told me all that I needed to know about the history of the British royals, and a fair bit more besides. An enthusiastic yeoman warder (aka beefeater) took us on a quick tour around the site, after which we went to see the not-so-White Tower, and the torture instruments in the Bloody Tower. And there was Henry VIII’s codpiece – clearly a man who likes to leave room for his most precious parts.
3. Michelangelo’s David, which stands in the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, makes most other works of art seem slapdash and insignificant in comparison. Even heterosexual males have to marvel at the grace of David’s expression and posture. How could anyone doubt this guy could take down a great hulking Philistine? Also of interest are Michelangelo’s unfinished slave sculptures that line the hallway leading up to Dave, which appear as if they are struggling to break free from the blocks of marble that encase them.
2. Essentially the whole of Egypt is based around the Nile River, and it was impressive regardless of where you viewed it from. In Cairo, boatloads of dancing people parade back and forth along the river banks. Further south, in Aswan, feluccas drift around in the afternoon sun. We spent one of those afternoons on a felucca ourselves, zig-zagging across the Nile’s wide expanse (the night with the makeshift toilet was not quite as serene). And floating upon the Nile was one place in Egypt where we could (almost) be sure that no-one would try to take our money from us.
1. While most art galleries are pleased with having a few well-known paintings in their collection, the Louvre in Paris has wall after wall of heavy hitters. ‘Mona Lisa’ is of course the most famous, but in truth Da Vinci’s masterpiece has been reduced to a site for tourists to gather and take pictures of themselves (me included). For someone who likes to sit down and contemplate their art there are several paintings that are far better to see, including David’s ‘The Coronation of Napoleon’, Gericault’s ‘The Raft of the Medusa’, and Delacroix’s ‘Liberty Leading the People’. All of these paintings are huge and dramatic, and therefore, in all of their cases seeing the reproduction is no substitute for seeing the real thing.
9. In a weight-for-weight matchup, the National Gallery in Britain would probably be outpunched by the Louvre, but in some ways it had the advantage – it has a good sample of works from each period and it gives the paintings it does have more space. (Plus, it’s free.) Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael all make an appearance, as do Titian, Rembrandt, Vermeer, Constable, Turner, Renoir, and Van Gogh.
8. Probably the most remarkable thing about the Colosseum in Rome is that it is still standing, given the dilapidation of the Forum nearby. More impressive stadiums have been built since, but few (if any) will still be standing in two thousand years time. A clever feature of the restored stadium is the half-covered arena, which allows you to see both the surface on which the battles were staged, and the labyrinth of cells and passageways below.
7. Crystal Palace v Bristol City at Selhurst. There were six goals scored, including two absolute corkers in the first half, and we were two rows back from the fence. (Meanwhile Chelsea and Newcastle played out a scoreless draw.) Given the age of ground rationalization in the Australian leagues, this was a reminder of what suburban football is like.
6. The Pyramids of Giza would be a strange sight anywhere, let alone on the outskirts of a city with forty million people. Over the centuries the outer layers have been worn away, leaving row upon row of massive blocks as a testament to the thousands of man-hours that went into their construction. The main downside of the site is that there are camel riders and the like roaming around, continually disturbing your contemplation of these peculiar objects.
5. On our first night of Venice, we decided to join in the ‘shadowrounds’ – a Venetian tradition in which you hop around from bar to bar and sip a ‘shadow’ of wine at each of the places you visit (think a classier pub crawl). The shadows of wines soon turned into glasses, which soon turned into bottles and carafes, and then it all becomes a little hazy… Still, this was definitely a cultural tradition I could get behind. It would be number one on the list, but I don’t want to reveal how much of a drunk I am.
4. The Tower of London told me all that I needed to know about the history of the British royals, and a fair bit more besides. An enthusiastic yeoman warder (aka beefeater) took us on a quick tour around the site, after which we went to see the not-so-White Tower, and the torture instruments in the Bloody Tower. And there was Henry VIII’s codpiece – clearly a man who likes to leave room for his most precious parts.
3. Michelangelo’s David, which stands in the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, makes most other works of art seem slapdash and insignificant in comparison. Even heterosexual males have to marvel at the grace of David’s expression and posture. How could anyone doubt this guy could take down a great hulking Philistine? Also of interest are Michelangelo’s unfinished slave sculptures that line the hallway leading up to Dave, which appear as if they are struggling to break free from the blocks of marble that encase them.
2. Essentially the whole of Egypt is based around the Nile River, and it was impressive regardless of where you viewed it from. In Cairo, boatloads of dancing people parade back and forth along the river banks. Further south, in Aswan, feluccas drift around in the afternoon sun. We spent one of those afternoons on a felucca ourselves, zig-zagging across the Nile’s wide expanse (the night with the makeshift toilet was not quite as serene). And floating upon the Nile was one place in Egypt where we could (almost) be sure that no-one would try to take our money from us.
1. While most art galleries are pleased with having a few well-known paintings in their collection, the Louvre in Paris has wall after wall of heavy hitters. ‘Mona Lisa’ is of course the most famous, but in truth Da Vinci’s masterpiece has been reduced to a site for tourists to gather and take pictures of themselves (me included). For someone who likes to sit down and contemplate their art there are several paintings that are far better to see, including David’s ‘The Coronation of Napoleon’, Gericault’s ‘The Raft of the Medusa’, and Delacroix’s ‘Liberty Leading the People’. All of these paintings are huge and dramatic, and therefore, in all of their cases seeing the reproduction is no substitute for seeing the real thing.
Who The Frak Is The Final Cylon?: Further Musings
Last night I dreamt that I had bought the final season of Battlestar Galactica, and for some masochistic reason I skipped through to the following two scenes:
1) Lee Adama is arguing with his father. 'You're king of the Cylons. Shouldn't you be with your people?' Turns out that the man we knew as Bill Adama is actually Peter Adama, and he raised Lee after his brother was killed in some mid-air crash or something.
2) In the midst of all the activity on the ship, Bill Adama hears music. He enters a secluded room to find some respite, and when he re-opens the door, he sees the rest of the Final Five standing outside. Tigh says: 'I'm glad it's you Bill'. 'What?' the Admiral asks, confused. Tyrol says: 'You're the final Cylon'.
OK, neither of those scenes really make sense - why would a Cylon have a brother, and why wouldn't Adama realise he was a Cylon when he heard the music, like the others did? Yet... the clues suggest that the final Cylon was not with the fleet when Three was 'unboxed'? That would point to Adama and Roslin as suspects.
But I'm also starting to warm to the theory that Zak Adama is the final Cylon. It does fit with the major clues I can think of:
1) Zak is not in the 'Last Supper' promotional photo posted yesterday. And Lee Adama appears to be pondering the absent space - thinking of his lost brother perhaps?
2) It doesn't contradict Leoben's claim that Adama is a Cylon.
3) Zak is not in the fleet when Three is unboxed, and Three would know that Zak wasn't in the fleet.
And revealing Zak to be the final Cylon would pack an emotional punch for at least three of the major characters. So my revised order of likelihood:
Zak Adama
Tom Zarek
Bill Adama
Laura Roslin
By the way, someone else has posted odds as to who the final Cylon is. Their assessment was someone different to mine.
1) Lee Adama is arguing with his father. 'You're king of the Cylons. Shouldn't you be with your people?' Turns out that the man we knew as Bill Adama is actually Peter Adama, and he raised Lee after his brother was killed in some mid-air crash or something.
2) In the midst of all the activity on the ship, Bill Adama hears music. He enters a secluded room to find some respite, and when he re-opens the door, he sees the rest of the Final Five standing outside. Tigh says: 'I'm glad it's you Bill'. 'What?' the Admiral asks, confused. Tyrol says: 'You're the final Cylon'.
OK, neither of those scenes really make sense - why would a Cylon have a brother, and why wouldn't Adama realise he was a Cylon when he heard the music, like the others did? Yet... the clues suggest that the final Cylon was not with the fleet when Three was 'unboxed'? That would point to Adama and Roslin as suspects.
But I'm also starting to warm to the theory that Zak Adama is the final Cylon. It does fit with the major clues I can think of:
1) Zak is not in the 'Last Supper' promotional photo posted yesterday. And Lee Adama appears to be pondering the absent space - thinking of his lost brother perhaps?
2) It doesn't contradict Leoben's claim that Adama is a Cylon.
3) Zak is not in the fleet when Three is unboxed, and Three would know that Zak wasn't in the fleet.
And revealing Zak to be the final Cylon would pack an emotional punch for at least three of the major characters. So my revised order of likelihood:
Zak Adama
Tom Zarek
Bill Adama
Laura Roslin
By the way, someone else has posted odds as to who the final Cylon is. Their assessment was someone different to mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)