The Finger Points Outwards - No.19

A report on the Manufacturing industry that I wrote for the Australian Fair Pay Commission has been released. You can find it here:

Manufacturing Industry Profile

How The She-Hulk Made Me Accept My Mortality

This week I picked up the fourth issue of Marvel’s late-1980s-early-1990s comic book series, The Sensational She-Hulk, a comic I first read when I was not even nine years old. (I already owned a copy, but I found issues #1-7 as a block, and didn’t feel like I could separate them. It’s a tic…) In the issue, a character named the Blonde Phantom, who is a comic book heroine from the 1940s, attempts to become a supporting character in the She-Hulk’s title. Her motive for doing so is to prevent herself from further aging, given that comic book characters remain the same age (hell-oooo Tintin…) Her husband’s death, during the years in which they were waiting to be brought back into the funny pages, has highlighted to her the ‘fact’ of her mortality.



The Blonde Phantom’s dilemma made me fondle my own grey hairs, as I have increasingly come to the realization that, as I approach the age of 30, I am more often becoming older than the characters I read about. Writer/artist Frank Miller once had a similar realization with regard to the Batman – his solution was to age Bruce Wayne by twenty years for The Dark Knight Returns. But it is not just comic book characters; I recently re-read Catch-22 and was horrified to find that Yossarian, though a captain, was three years younger than I am, and he is one of the older characters in the novel. (Although the fact that so many young men are being sent to die may be part of the point.) I am nine years older than Lizzy Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. And even real-life figures bring me no comfort – I’m older than almost all of the Beatles at the time they made their final album, Abbey Road, and older than Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison at the time of their deaths.

When I was not even nine years old, the adventures of my heroes seemed possible for me, something I could do if I only were old enough. Now, far more often, they seem to be the achievements of people younger than myself who have achieved so much more. How will I cope as I approach middle-age and these characters remain as young as ever? Is the point that you grow out of popular culture the one where you realize that the people you are following are young enough to be your children?

I sensed the specter of Father Time hanging over me… until I remembered the Blonde Phantom asking the She-Hulk how old she was. ‘Thirty-one,’ she replied. Thirty-one!! My not-even-nine-year-old self had always thought of the She-Hulk as a fun, hip and happening girl. To learn that she was still older than I am filled my heart with hope. Over a year still remains in which I will be younger than my green-skinned gal, and there will be another few years after that in which I will be within an acceptable age range. Hooray! My youth is not done with yet! And hopefully, by the time that I can no longer deny that I have passed my physical peak, such trivialities will have longed cease to matter…

The Wooden Finger Guide to the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest - Part Two

13. Moldova - My notes became markedly more drunken by this point, so the descriptions will, in general, become briefer. All I can make out is that this was the Eurovision's 258th attempt to 'blend the traditional with the modern', that there were 'nice legs and boots', and something about 'Cassock dancing'. Can that be right? Well, it must not have made much of an impression. Rating: 2.5 euros.

14. Malta - As I think Terry Wogan said once, Malta, unlike some of the larger Eurovision countries, always try hard. The singer was not quite what I expected, with the figure of an opera diva, and the voice of an R&B diva. Either way, it was one of the better voices in the competition. Rating: 3.5 euros.

15. Estonia - The artist's name, 'Urban Symphony', gave me hope that we would hear something approximating The Verve. Riichard Ashcroft though never looked this good. The lead singer, with her beautiful, long, dark hair, was simply stunning, and the cellists behind her broke my heart. It made me want to move to Estonia as soon as possible, although perhaps it was not wise to inform my wife of that fact. Song: 3 euros. Eye candy: 5 euros.

16. Denmark - Ronan Keating had a hand in writing this song, and one of his doppelgangers was chosen to sing it. The rock band was a bit misleading, as the song was as wimpy as most of Boyzone's catalogue. The unnecessary high five between two of the band members made it that little bit more nauseating. Rating: 2 euros.

17. Germany - The Germany had the best band name to this point: 'Alex Swings, Oscar Sings', and possibly the best song name too: 'Miss Kiss Kiss Bang'. The lead singer camped it up for all it was worth, and just when you thought it couldn't any more kitsch, out pops Dita Von Teese, with her waistline that defies imaginiation. The song itself was rubbish, but the production was amazing. Rating: 4 euros.

18. Turkey - Too much flesh for flesh's sake, and compared to Estonia, quite classless. Lauren noted that the guy looked like he had been tied up in a carseat. Rating: 1.5 euros.

19. Albania - The weirdest entry by far. It included a fairy, two midgets for her to stand on, and a green man with discoball sparkles on his face. I still don't get it. Rating: 2 euros.

20. Norway - Inexplicably the favourite to win the competition, the Norwegian entry featured an elf with a fiddle, complete with his own band of Pan-like followers. Not the worst entry, but apart from the twin blondes, nothing startling. Rating: 3 euros.

21. Ukraine - I was wrong - this had an even better song title than Germany: 'Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl)'! It included mostly naked gladiators trapped like hamsters in turning wheels, and lights designed to induce an epilieptic seizure. Basically, it was the second weirdest entry. The singer gets extra points for her drum solo though. Rating: 2 euros.

22. Romania - Essentially a Dungeons 'n' Dragons wet dream, with a bunch of skinny women in reed-like dresses swaying before the dungeon master's throne. Otherwise, not particularly interesting. Rating: 2 euros.

23. United Kingdom - Boring, Lloyd-Webber rubbish. Rating: 1 euro.

24. Finland - Another top band name, 'Waldo's People', delivered an unusually upbeat song about homelessness. Really, only the burning rubbish bins give you a clue to this, otherwise it looks like a younger version of the Edge gone gangster. Rating: 1.5 euros.

25. Spain - I can't remember much about this entry. I do remember that I've forgotten my Spanish though. Rating: 2 euros.

The Wooden Finger Guide to the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest - Part One

1. Lithuania - Since Eurovision voters generally have memory spans comparable to goldfish, it's always a difficult task to be the first act on stage. Lithuania didn't make it any easier on themselves by choosing a guy that appeared to be singing a love song to his hat. Furthermore, with the sparse arrangement on stage, too much was left to our piano-playing friend, who didn't have nearly enough charisma to pull it off. The most action he could muster was to light up a flame at the end... things would have been far more interesting if he had set fire to his hat instead. Rating: 1.5 euros (out of 5)

2. Israel - The Israelis made a peculiar choice by picking the Witches of Eastwick to represent them. Singing in three different languages was a nice postmodern touch, although it doesn't really help much if the tune sucks. At least the crowd went wild, waving their huge plastic hammers with the Star of David about. Rating: 2 euros

3. France - The best entry to this point, and as it turned out, the best entry of them all. Patricia Kaas, with her moonlight-coloured skin and high cheekbones in tow, delivered a typically late-night Parisian club tune. By the end of the song, she was gripping the microphone like her life depended on it, and you expected her to undergo the full transformation into a ghostly creature of the night. Stirring stuff. Rating: 4.5 euros

4. Sweden - This couldn't have been more Swedish if the performers had come out swinging Ikea stools. A blond, buxom woman dressed in white belted out a pop-operatic chorus, and by the end of it all the Kremlin was lying in a thousand pieces. Rating: 3 euros

5. Croatia - Europorn made its first appearance with the Crotian entry, featuring a lead singer who can't get over himself and an array of girls pleasuring themselves in the background. The wind machine was the real star though, certainly more than the girl in white, whose main contribution appeared to be to squeal every now and then. Rating: 2.5 euros 

6. Portugal - A lovely little entry, starring a rather earnest young lady, a backdrop covered with clouds and flowers, and the most enthusiastic drummer north of the Mediterrenean. You couldn't help but be filled with a warm, happy, cuddly feeling (this may be why my wife liked it so much). Rating: 4 euros

7. Iceland - This entry starred Yohanna, an 18 year-old who may now be the richest person in Iceland. The song ('Is It True?') is not bad in an '80s power ballad type of way, although it could have been improved if they had ditched the second-hand prom dresses. Rating: 3.5 euros

8. Greece - It was time for some nightclubbing, and who better to take us there than a hairless Greek man with his top few shirt buttons inexplicably undone? If that wasn't enough, there was also the flashing conveyor belt which he was busting his moves on. Every act should have a flashing conveyor belt. An absolute riot. Normal Eurovision service had been resumed. Rating: 3 euros Unintentional comedy value: 4.5 euros

9. Armenia - The Armenians trumped the Israelis by sending out a couple of gypsies, complete with jewelled headbands. You could almost smell the shisha on stage. It started in a promising way, with the best backbeat of the competition, but soon dissolved into cliched Euro-dance with the trademark key change at the finish. The garter belts were either a highlight or lowlight, depending on your sexual orientation. Rating: 3 euros

10. Russia - The hometown entry threw up a surprise by opting for a brunette, who was kind of pretty in an Anastasia Myskina-like way. The Russians finally justified the use of the big screens that had been floating around every performance, replaying film of the lead singer wailing along, and digitally aging her as the song progressed. Either that or her make-up wasn't built to last. Rating: 3.5 euros

11. Azerbaijan (Who?!) - Flexible dancers trying to distract you from an awfully pedestrian beat. Ho hum. Rating: 2.5 euros

12. Bosnia-Herzegovnia - With the array of military figures on stage, it was like something straight out of 'War and Peace'. Or 'Alice in Wonderland'. It was good to finally see some guitars on stage, unfortunately they didn't do much with them. Rating: 3 euros

Entries 13 to 25 to follow.

The Wisdom of Patrick Smith

In an article in today's Australian about the state of the Richmond Football Club, one of the most arrogant and least considerate football writers, Patrick Smith, claimed that 'The grip on reality at Punt Rd is hardly strengthened when cheerleaders in the media write that the Gary March-led board has nothing to feel awkward or disappointed about.'

What on earth could he be referring to? Well it's most likely Caroline Wilson's article in yesterday's Age. Let us go read that article again and see if Patrick's claims hold up.

'If president Gary March put his hand on his heart he would admit he had so far failed to fully rebuild the least successful AFL club in almost three decades.'

Hmm, I don't think that's nothing Patrick. But maybe you missed that sentence (possibly because you had disappeared up your own ego). Let's see if we can find anything else. Whoops, here we go:

'As bad as the playing group has been this season — and yes, they have been shocking'

Strike two, Patrick. Though I suppose that's really just talking about the playing group. Surely Caro is holding up her pom-poms for the place as a whole. But wait, what's this?

'No one is suggesting that all is well at Tigerland. Clearly the football malaise is infectious and as good as young Trent Cotchin might be, no cure is in sight.'

Ah well Patrick, you can't win them all. Maybe one day you will refer to an article without blatantly contradicting it. And that cannot be a bad thing.

The Pros and Cons of the ‘Watchmen’ Film

Pros:

• The Dr. Manhattan flashback sequences were well done. The Doc’s backstory is one of the most poignant parts of the book, and it is delivered with pretty much the right mix of feeling and detachment.
• Good performances by Jackie Earle Haley and Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Rorschach and the Comedian. Both of them gave a very good idea of what their characters were all about.
• The movie did not tone down the violence of the book. In fact, if anything it turned it up, in some cases quite gratuitously.

Cons:

• A key facet of the ‘Watchmen’ comic was the juxtaposing of scenes and symbols to create a greater degree of depth in the meaning of the work. This is a technique that could have – at least in part – been translated to film, but it is mostly absent. As a result, in some scenes the pacing and dialogue of the film seem rather odd.
• The story is set in 1985, but apart from a few retro hairstyles, the look of the film hardly conveys this fact. That being the case, why not set it in the present day with the Americans having won the Iraq war and George W. Bush being elected President for a third term? Such changes would also have a similar resonance with modern-day filmgoers as having the Americans win in Vietnam and Nixon as President had on the original audience.
• In the book, the Nite-Owl and the Silk Spectre are relatively normal people dressed up in costumes, not the brutal fighting machines they are in the film. It is hard to see how they could be scared of anything given the way they tear into the Knot-top gang, despite having been several years in retirement.
• On that point, it is a shame that none of the ‘normal’ characters could have been fleshed out a bit. A major theme of the book was how they react to the super-heroes and threat of impending war; here their viewpoint is almost entirely absent.
• Ozymandias does not smirk. He may as well have written ‘I am up to something’ on his forehead.

Graphic Novels That You Would Like If You Weren't Too Chicken To Read Them - 'Watchmen'

When Time Magazine named their 100 greatest novels of the 20th century, ‘Watchmen’ was the only graphic novel to make the list. If the list had been restricted to the 10 greatest novels it still should have made it. ‘Watchmen’ is the greatest comic book series there was, is and probably ever will be – both an uncompromising deconstruction of the superhero genre and an extensive realization of the possibilities of its medium. I first read it when I was seventeen, and I soon realized that all the comic books that I had read up to that point were exactly what everyone claimed them to be – kids stuff.



The actual premise and plot for ‘Watchmen’ are not overly complex, even if they were somewhat revolutionary at the time. The story is set in an alternate version of 1985 in which the US won the war in Vietnam, Richard Nixon is still President, and the Americans and Soviets are locked in a nuclear arms race. Superheroes have been outlawed for almost a decade, following police protests that the masked vigilantes were making it impossible for them to do their jobs. The series begins with the bloody murder of one of these ‘heroes’ – namely the Comedian – and our cast of key characters are gradually introduced as we observe their reactions to their compatriot’s death. As the story unfolds, more and more of these characters come under threat, leading to the theory that somebody is planning to wipe out all of the remaining masks. The truth, however, is far stranger, as we learn to what lengths one hero is willing to go to in order to protect the world.



The plot itself really only takes up one half of the series, with the other half devoted to one-chapter portraits of the six main characters. The second chapter focuses on the Comedian, who has made himself into a violent, amoral reflection of our highly troubled times. Chapter four retells the story of Dr. Manhattan, a man-turned-god whose mind-boggling power is the linchpin of American’s defense system, despite his scant concern for political conflicts. Chapter six examines the psychology of the series’ narrator, Rorschach, whose hardnosed brand of justice makes the Dark Knight-era Batman look like a bleeding heart. Chapters seven and nine are about the second Nite-Owl and the second Silk Spectre, who are considered to be the most normal of the remaining heroes, although as their stories show it takes a special type of personality to dress up in a colourful costume and proclaim yourself a defender of the people. And chapter eleven is about Ozymandias, labeled the smartest man in the world, whose extraordinary intelligence is both an asset and a burden. Each chapter reveals something not only about the hero in question, but also about the human condition itself and how it is affected by the society that we find ourselves in.

However, by far the most startling aspect of all about ‘Watchmen’ is the multi-layered approach to storytelling that it takes, using the comic book form to juxtapose symbols and themes to create an incredibly dense piece of work. One of the most pervasive examples is the comic book being read by the kid at the newsstand, whose tale of a shipwrecked mariner desperate to save his hometown from murderous pirates mirrors both the chaos of the Watchmen’s world and the moral predicaments they face. But almost every page has something that is either intimately connected with another scene that is being laid out simultaneously or with another scene before it, with varying degrees of subtlety. Some may see some of the innovations – such as laying out chapter five in the form of a symmetrical Rorschach blot – as cleverness for cleverness’ sake, but it’s difficult not to admire the achievement at least, and it still provides the reader with the chance for a greater degree of reflection than 99 per cent of the works in popular culture. Even the creators – writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons – have rarely shown signs of replicating the series’ structure, probably knowing how hard it is to capture lightning in a bottle twice.



In the years following ‘Watchmen’ many other ‘realistic’ superhero works have appeared, often earning the moniker ‘the next Watchmen’ for their more mature approach to the superhero genre. However, ‘Watchmen’ itself is unrepeatable – it took the genre to its outermost limits, making all of the other series that came before or after seem like only a small part of it. Which is not to say that the superhero genre is dead; subsequent series have explored and built upon aspects of ‘Watchmen’ to great effect, such as the man-on-the-street viewpoint used in ‘Marvels’ and the stories of heroes meddling with international affairs in ‘The Authority’. But 1986 will always be year zero for superhero comics – the point where they finally stood up and demanded to be accepted as serious literature. Those strange men in the masks and tights would never be simply kids stuff again.

The Finger Points Outwards - No.18

The 50 biggest names in sex from the past 55 years.

The greatest ever complaint letter.

Letterman's farewell to George Bush